Depression isn’t something I normally have to deal with. I have had periods of depression in the past, but it was a long time ago and normally I tend to get angry rather than depressed. Neither are that great to experience, but at least when you are angry, it strangely makes you feel empowered and motivated to take action (even it is best you avoid taking that action!). With depression there is just this gloomy feeling and a lack of motivation to do anything.

However, I went for a walk this morning and I am starting to understand the depression a bit more. The first time I felt depressed was a few months ago, after I had decided to start intuitive art classes. I delayed advertising the classes because I ‘felt’ that the time wasn’t right and I needed to wait for ideas to come to me (this was in spite of the fact I had spent a couple of days with a friend discussing ideas and getting very excited lol). It was only when my friend pointed out that I had succumbed to fear that I saw what was going on and decided I needed to do something. I think with depression you have to make yourself do something, you don’t naturally have the motivation. As soon as I planned a few classes and made some leaflets I felt a lot better. I still felt panic, but I knew I just needed to do something and trust that it would turn out for the best.

Then again, I woke up this morning feeling depressed, but I wasn’t sure why. As I went for a walk I began to understand that actually this depression I was feeling was a combination of fears squashed down that I didn’t want to face and they had become this depressed feeling. At the moment I am making my website and I could see that fears of not being good enough (my paintings), fear of ridicule, fear of lack, comparison and more were all mixing together and leading to this empty, overwhelming feeling. Actually, it was so overwhelming and I thought on one level that I couldn’t do the website, which I think is definitely a cue to do it!

I am not an expert on depression, I am sure there are people who have experienced it much more than me and not every case is the same, but what I am realising is that the depressed feeling I have been getting is the self bringing out the big guns (more big guns!) to stop me fulfilling my life purpose. I only started feeling depressed a few months ago when I started art classes and then making a website. The self is pulling out all the stops to stop me, so I know what I am doing is important and I must keep going. It will not necessarily be easy, but at least now I am onto another of the self’s tricks and I will do all I can to stay on track!

P.S. My website is up if you want to have a look!