In September of 1989, two weeks before I went to Japan as a visiting scholar for a year, I received a telegram from my father to inform me that my mother had just passed away and the funeral would be held within a week. I rushed to get train tickets and to take the 36-hour train ride to get home accompanied by my then husband and my daughter to attend my mother’s funeral and memorial.
My mother died a few days before her 60th birthday. In other words, she died in her second Saturn Return. However, I did not have any astrological knowledge at that time, therefore, I had no clue about the correlation between Saturn Return and her death.
My mother had health problem since I was very young. She had a very tough life, but she struggled through. She never shared her pain, suffering and inner struggle with us. All she showed me was her wisdom, quiet strength and courage. Her health greatly deteriorated due to her coming to Beijing to look after my daughter – her first-born granddaughter. She looked after her day and night without any complaint. I even did not know that she was not feeling well. She was immediately hospitalized soon after she went back her home. She was diagnosed Nephritic Syndrome due to Sediment stones in her kidney and gallbladder.
My mother had a special bond with my daughter. She looked after her more than she had for any of her own children. She protected her fiercely from anyone including me. Ten months before my mother passed away, she was in critical condition. The doctor informed my father that she might not be able to survive. My father sent me a telegram, so I went home immediately to visit her in the hospital. During that period of time, my personal life was a total mess. I was so traumatized by an affair I had and I was not able to function well mentally or emotionally. My mother’s news made it worse. I went home alone, without having my daughter with me, only brought her photo album home to show my mother. As soon as I got off the train, I took a bus to the hospital to see her before I went home. She was very happy to see me, but she was also very disappointed that I did not bring her granddaughter with me. She wanted to see her in person. By then I realized that I made a mistake for not bringing my daughter with me. My mother then did not have the chance to see my daughter before she passed.
I stayed with my mother for a few days, but I did not have the mood and energy to talk to her. I listened what she was telling me, but I did not really hear her because my mind was still fully pre-occupied by my own self imposed traumatized emotions. When my mother worried about her fate and future, when she was telling me that my father had lost interest in her and treated her with cold and indifference, I did not give her comfort she needed and deserved. I did not have the patience to listen to her complain, and I did not show her sympathy, instead, I stopped her and told her that she was saying nonsense. My mother shut up and kept her pain inside. I felt her pain, but I did not comfort her when she needed that from me.
On the way to the train station going back to Beijing, I stopped by the hospital to visit my mother for the last time. As I said goodbye to her, I looked at her eyes, I saw her love and deep longing as if she knew that she would not see me again. I felt it, but I did not go back to give her a hug because I could not bear the intense emotion. I pretended that I did not see and I left.
My mother recovered from the critical condition at that time, but she knew that she was not going to live long much longer. She asked my father not to tell that she was in critical condition again because she wanted me to focus on my study. She did not know I was also going through the most difficult time in my life. My father did not let me know when she was sick again until she passed away.
I never grieved my mother’s death. I did not cry the whole time during her funeral and memorial. At that time I was so consumed by the self-imposed emotional turmoil in my personal life and I did not have the time and energy to grieve her death. I was also very angry towards my father because right after the funeral, he asked me to ask my mother’s company to transfer her mutual fund to him. I just wanted to leave all these matters behind me and move on with my life. I kept myself very busy with my career so that I did not have to look at all the unhappiness in my life and myself. I was pretending everything was no big deal when they were not.
For 27 years after my mother passed away I never touched the emotion I had around her death. I only wanted to remember her as a beautiful, wise, courageous, and lovely mother.
A few months ago my mother came to see me and asked me to forgive her through a reading. I did not know what to forgive. I didn’t realize I had any emotional issues with her until now. The personal tone Margaret/Maitreya gave me a month ago really cracked the emotional rock I had built deep inside me, the tone seemed to crack open the deeply repressed emotions and they have been starting to come to the surface since I started to listening intensively to the tone I was given. As I was writing about my life around this period, I could still see her eyes filled with longings for love, comfort, sympathy and caring from me, and then, I started to feel the deep sorrow for losing her, the deep sorry and regret for not giving her the love and care she needed desperately from me when she was sick because I was too immersed in my own emotional trauma. I deeply regret that I did not let her see her granddaughter one last time before she died and I did not give her enough care, comfort and love when she needed it the most from me.
Unfortunately, I cannot go back to change it. This realization created a huge healing crisis in me. I cried and cried, all the pain I repressed around her death, all the guilt and regret that I did not do what I should have for her when she needed me the most. I am overwhelmed by all the love and caring for my mother that I had kept bottled up deep within me and was never able to express to her when she was alive. It all poured out from the depth of my soul. I was finally able to grieve her death at age of 61! In my farewell to her through my meditation, I kept saying to her in Spirit, “I am so sorry and I truly love you, Mom”. I was finally able to let go of my pride, to admit my guilt and regret, and to ask her for forgiveness. Then I had to forgive myself. I told myself that I could not go back to change my past, but I have learned from this experience and from this realization, I will treat others with kindness, gentleness, caring and empathy whenever they truly need it from me. I will start now, from this very moment. It is never too late to change. After the grieving process, I felt much lighter as if a huge load of heaviness has been lifted from my whole being. I am now ready to move on from this experience. I am “wowed” by the power of the grieving process; it is indeed a very powerful healing experience!