Journey of Self Discovery

In the last couple of years, around new moons or eclipses, I seem to touch some kind of uncertainty, something yet to be discovered, which is not necessarily a calm or peaceful feeling. Sometimes it feels like a cozy rug of comfort I was resting on seemed to be tugged and pulled out from under me, with a knowing that it needs to be gone. I neither knew I was resting on it until then, nor could I stop it, because the universe was trying to clear something old away to make way for the new. This rug could be conditioned thinking or a deep fear due to something that happened in past, etc. But I don’t want to resist either, I have learned that my resistance to change can make things worse than they needed to be, often resulting in physical health issues for me. Neither reason nor destination is usually known during this process. I like to keep it unknown and not scramble for control, thereby allowing the Universe to reveal to me what I need to know when the time is right (at least I try😊). This way, the Self can’t sabotage me, and the clearing process goes successfully. I have learned that the Self will do all it can to impede and slowdown the clearing process, creating even more pain and wear and tear overall. I also learned that relinquishing control is a vital part of this process. Learning to surrender and having faith in the Universe doesn’t come easy. The Self likes control and raises havoc as it fights to have its way, bringing out hidden negative emotions from my past. I am consciously choosing to fight the Self repeatedly, as I am now aware that Universe is helping me discover a part of me that has been hidden, and I now know it’s worth taking a look. When I experience an emotion that I can’t stop and fully engage with, many times my children act as a pointer to assist me to face the issue. I give thanks to them, but it is not always a pleasant feeling being put on spot. I consider it a gift to become aware that my Self is constantly trying to trick me, and that I need to be vigilant as I contemplate my experiences, past and present. I remember Maitreya saying, awareness is a key to overcoming the Self.

In January, I experienced a new kind of depression, that was so intoxicating that I couldn’t stop myself from reading negative news about human trafficking, but I got more depressed with each story. I have had many past lives related to this, which I have been working on clearing for the past 2 years. In January, one day I felt as if a hidden door in the very house I am living opened, and I had a vision of a woman that was falling apart physically and psychologically to the extent I couldn’t imagine a human being living in that state. Later, I discovered that was me, it indicated the level of healing I needed with memories that are trapped inside of me. Thanks to understanding reincarnation, I am in a place now to heal myself with invaluable information from my teachers. I wanted to heal that woman by staying in the present, I tried projecting positivity and white light, but it wasn’t working to the extent needed. While this was going on, my lower Self played the role of a pimp similar to what we hear in human trafficking stories. It stole my identity, and replaced it with a feeling of total worthlessness, telling me that it is my savior, and I better believe in what it says or else my life would be useless and painful. It took me many days to figure out that it was the Self’s manipulation! It’s another level of how the Self can be deceiving. Meanwhile, Spirit showed me to use white light, with a violet light around it glowing like an electric current to heal that woman, and it came out effortlessly from me when I projected it, and I saw the woman responding to that and her wounds started to heal, restoring vitality slow and steady. I was ecstatic to see she finally responded to it. I know Spirit provided the energy for it. I know that healing takes time. I saw the women eventually raised from shackles, regaining her life and dignity, and later I saw her in a nice home, and well dressed. But she still had a certain distrust in people and was a bit on high alert with a protective instinct. I later understood that her state reflected my current state, and I can see why I am the way I am! I have much more to heal, especially in learning to forgive. My husband understands that this is important for me and I am thankful for it, and his unconditional presence and tenderness helps me heal, maybe this one of the reasons we met! The peace that I experience when I meet with a part of myself that I didn’t know before assists me to understand why I am the way I am now is amazing and truly worth fighting for. Even when the Self fights back with all its might, I keep the eyes on the goal, it’s a piece of you that you take back home!

The journey itself through such an emotional state is worth noting, because certain patterns repeat. I need to be aware and not beat myself up, it is not easy, and sometimes I fail and repeat the same lesson over and over again. Each emotion will only be a phase if I let it be, some take a few years or some just few days to clear. Sometimes one clearing ends when another has already begun! I say to myself – welcome to the journey of discovering myself, what else am I here for anyway! Each day I sail through the emotional state and try to keep an eye on where things are heading. Am I heading towards a happier tomorrow? Am I heading towards faith and hope? Am I heading towards inspired living? Am I trying to pierce through the illusion created by fear and letting go of my conditioning? If the answer is no, then I know that the Self is ruling. If yes, then the higher self is ruling. These questions apply to each thought crossing my mind. Self can wear me down, but I have light coming from Spirit in many ways and forms, sometimes as giggles from my children, an unconditionally listening husband, advice from a teacher, a kind neighbor and so on. The beauty and love of Spirit’s presence is unstoppable, even the slightest thought of remembering that beauty can be a guiding ray of light to sort through the darkest times of life.