Joy or Purification of Enlightenment

It’s Virgo New Moon while I’m writing this. I’m in the middle of scrubbing my oven, decluttering my countertop and my daughter’s distance learning lessons. My Gemini moon is so perplexed right now, and I’m annoyed with this significant mundane situation because I could be doing something more important…or solve someone’s problem…or meditate on some intelligent subject.

I will cook a meal after, host some guests, answer to at least 100 questions asked by six- years old, endless messages coming to my inbox and go to buy a present for my friend.

I’m not happy. I feel that I could be more …I could have more…I could be somewhere else…I could…

But…

Most of the spiritual teachers and practitioners that I have met during my journey, had that sparkling aura of enlightenment. I saw them as saints in human bodies. So smart, profound, powerful, and perfect.

As I grew closer to some of them, becoming even friends to some, I notice they are not so saintly, or even happy. Some of them had inner struggles questioning whether they are good enough. They all went through difficult stages, just to mention dark night of the soul, as one. They all went through family affairs, divorce, death, cooking, raising children, sitting in traffic, being cheated or betrayed. They all enjoyed midnight snacks, sex and had a cheat day. They laughed and they cried. They were worried, scared and felt hopeless. They struggled between family and career. Because, they are humans.

So much pressure to be perfect, to be flawless, to be pure, to be worthy of being God’s helper.

I noticed that I lived in that energy as well, and too long obviously. Denying myself of joy and pleasure of life.

Thinking that I have to embrace perfect Virgo energy embodiment to justify my choice of what I thought was my soul purpose. Thinking how could I help anyone if I’m struggling with “stupid “human problems? Thinking that I’m better than having to deal with boring mundane stuff.

It took me a while to accept that I’m not a human on spiritual journey but soul on a human journey.

So simple, but profound.

I’m here to learn. To play. To try. To fail. To love. To feel embarrassed. To enjoy. To lose. To have. To try again. To be humble. To be strong.

I’m here, ladies and gentlemen, to enjoy this imperfect, unique human experience.

I’m not here to judge or show off my perfect performance by acting as saint. I would be lying myself and God doing that.

I don’t see myself as a sinner either. I don’t believe I’m disappointing anyone, especially not my Creator. Only one who is so disappointed with my choices and myself is my Lower- Self and my Ego- Self.

Oh, they think I can BE better. That I can DO better.

I can see those two assholes talking to me disguised in people that I meet or even live with.

Judging me and whistling “Look at you! Who do you think you are”?

I have my private mirrors reminding me how much I still have to deal with my Self. How to detach. How to be honest. How to be brave.

Accepting my North node in Leo in 10th house is perfect sign where I’m headed. Where I have to be. What I have to embrace. How unique and proud I have to be to be Me. Only then I can return, like a dragon, to my tail – South node in Aquarius and share my gifts with my community.

Only then, when I learn how to enjoy all human experiences and trials, embracing my lessons and path, I can serve my soul purpose- to be a light to others on their path.

Only then… but it can wait. I have to enjoy this imperfect life first. And scrub my oven.