Recently, I was in a tough spot because I was going through an illness and trying to deal with other factors at the same time, and this made me weak to do my own day-to-day things. You can see from my previous articles on Learning about the Physical Body 1 & 2, that is has been a real struggle for me both physically and mentally. My husband left for almost 3 weeks, and I needed to take care of my health, my energetic and curious toddler, and my full time job in addition to making sure we had groceries and home cooked food to fuel my current health needs. Since it’s winter, my parents and brother could not come and help me due to the cold weather potentially creating serious problems with their health. I asked my extended families but they couldn’t help either, so I was on my own. I was prompted by Spirit to not stay on my own, so I asked my ex-colleague if I could stay with her, even though it means that I have to leave my beloved home, which is my comfort zone.

She gracefully welcomed me and I am thankful for it. Me and my daughter moved our belongings and my medical items to her home with my husband’s help before he left. It was hard for me to believe the reality I was going through. It was my belief that my husband left me to pursue his hobby of photography over my health. So much anger came out that had been building up inside me for the last 4 years. All his travels started right before I was about to carry my first child. I needed him all these years and all he would say is ‘you will survive’. I spoke to Margaret during that time and she said that I had a past life fear of my then husband leaving me by saying that he was going for vacation and never coming back. I have been able to mange with flower essences suggested by Jean, but it was quite hard as my self brought unpleasant things to my attention very similar to the past life. There was a combination of many past live fears that I faced and I am forever thankful for the awareness Margaret shared with me, and it helped me keep going. But there was anger that kept building up during theses times. I thought my husband was the reason why I had to go through these hard times and I pretty much unexpectedly became a single parent with no family or friends to count on to even take a bathroom break.

Our child was very demanding and strong willed, with Scorpion Moon, and she easily had me wrapped around her finger, as I tried to compensate for her detached father’s love as well as my mothering energy of my Cancer Moon. When I was sick and depressed, I blamed it on my child as well. But inside I knew that this finger pointing was not helping me release the anger within me. I was not changing my situation, and in fact I was making it worse as I was not able to bear my own life. With my husband leaving for 3 weeks and the New moon, it brought so much anger to the surface and I couldn’t believe I was holding so much within me! Karen emailed me that Spirit wanted her to check on me, which I appreciated, but I wanted to put an end to all relationships and run away. I didn’t want to hurt my own people by blaming them nor hurt myself by taking responsibility that I was hurting my health and making me feel like I am in a prison.

At times like this, I don’t want to live anymore and asked Spirit when is it my time to go, but then I remembered Margaret’s words, ‘that my child won’t have a mother if I go back to Spirit and asked me to think about it’. So I stopped my thoughts of wanting to go back to Spirit. The New Moon passed and I fought my own anger with the intention that I wanted to know what the Ultimate Being or my Higher Self would do in my case. I so wanted to be compassionate to my husband and child, but I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t feel it! All I saw is my own problems, and poor me. One of Maitreya’s article’s said that when I love myself and understand that Ultimate Being loves me unconditionally just the way I am, I will be able to apply the same to others. It was interesting because when I put this teaching to practice by embracing my uniqueness I am able to see how my husband and daughter are unique as well. I can see that what they do may not make sense to me, but it is important to them. They didn’t make me sick because they don’t want me to be sick on purpose. They could be mirroring for me what I don’t want to see within myself. They are showing me that I am unique and it’s important that I don’t runaway from it and strive to become the person I desire to be. I understand this, and when I don’t realize and respect my uniqueness and love the way I am, it could result in passive anger that could build up over time and become unbearable to contain. It was interesting when I recalled previous situations, how I didn’t like myself due to past life energy mentioned by Margaret, of me being told by others that I am not good enough, and I started to become a person that situations demanded, so that I would be loved and respected by others!

This realization allowed me to actually look at my husband and child with compassion even while my husband was away and I needed to be on an IV at the doctor’s office. My anger started to melt as I practiced and remembered my uniqueness and applied it to my family. I started to love being alive, I started to exercise and use some dance workouts, and I enjoy the fact that it feels great inside after a very long time, even though my physical body still might need sometime. Spirit being Spirit knows how to help me navigate my issues. Being at my ex-colleague’s home taught me that it is fine to look beautiful and have a beautiful home, instead of constantly doubting why I am not really worthy to have or feel beauty. I need to embrace what I have and enjoy it while it’s there, and past life memories might come back, but I have a choice to make an effort to stay in the present.

I later discussed my realizations with my husband and reorganized some things at home without feeling guilty. This has allowed me to enjoy some me time, and it has helped. This could just be the beginning of me learning about uniqueness, I wonder what more Spirit has for me. I want to thank Spirit for their guidance every step of the way, and it really didn’t feel lonely like I imagined once I started to put Spirit’s guidance to practice. When I was my child’s age, my grandmother taught me many slokas, and one of them says that ‘the Ultimate Being is my mother, my father, my guide, my protection, my friend, my guru, my God, my husband and my only choice’ …it’s so true, I thought! In fact, I told my husband that I have an invisible husband guiding me with what to do and how to handle things, and told my husband to enjoy the rest of his vacation. I will speak up to my husband and ask his help when I need him, but now I understand that he has a choice when to help or not help me, and I will not let anger build up, I have a choice too and have guidance from Spirit.