Learning Forgiveness
The last couple of years has been a journey into a past life to a place where healing could only be possible by a miracle. This was because I could not imagine moving forward from such a place of deep pain being possible.
A Past life:
I was a female and had a baby boy which I cherished every inch of its body as divine creation. Since he was born, I bathed him, dressed him, and marveled at his smiles and sounds. I fed the baby as if I was feeding the divine creation. I utterly enjoyed the bliss and grace of creation. My thoughts and dreams were filled with what I could do next, in order to provide his favorite items and feel joy. I wanted him to feel special and confident. I wanted to be his friend and walk by his side, share his joys and sadness as he grew. One day, the baby was taken while I was doing housework, one minute the baby was there, the next minute he was not. I received news that he had been taken by a trafficker. My world collapsed! I replayed the memory over and over. My pain and suffering went so deep, it was as if the creator could not save an innocent being from such tragedy. After that, I passed in that life and did not heal. This was a past life memory now.
Present life:
When I was blessed with a second child in this life, a baby boy, I felt it was an utter miracle indeed. But he had to go to NICU right after birth. With my baby not being next to me after delivery, it started to slowly brew memories from the past life I did not know existed, but one by one memories crept up from then on. At one point, each time I bathed the baby, flashes of memories from the past started, and I felt the sweetness of the moment stolen by the past. Thankfully, I was able to contact my teacher Karen about it. She confirmed that the flashes and emotions I was feeling were indeed 90% from when I lost my son in past. She said my present son’s age was about the same as when it happened in past. She advised to wait for some time before I start past life regression, letting the baby grow a little older and it would help with my healing. She also mentioned that there may be moments coming up that may bring out more of the past fear. A few days later, after I got the baby out of car along with his car seat, I suddenly started searching for him in shock and panic! He was right there, I could not find him, I did not know why! I then realized Karen’s insights about past coming up, in that moment I just needed to relax, breath, and come to the present. The baby was safe and happy.
During a time of 2½ years since my son was born, I learnt how much a past life’s energy release can affect a person! It was a battle with fear and learning to trust in Creation. I tried to release it myself, but also needed help. I am grateful that my teacher Jean was able to help me with past life regression sessions. It was intense, and much pain came out. Jean patiently assisted me step by step. It came to my awareness that in that past life I was looking for my son in all sorts of places, including parts market. What I came to know is that I created a shadow side during that lifetime which I described in my previous article Working with Shadow. The healing was a slow process as there is patterning. I had to learn to forgive the trafficker and rebuild my trust in Creation! I never thought I could forgive such a situation, it felt impossible. But the pain I carried was so intense and I was dragging myself to live my present life. I understood I had to forgive at whatever it may cost me! It was not easy. But little by little I meditated and understood, how healing, forgiveness and trusting in Creation that there are no accidents that are all related to each other. I learnt that forgiveness is the doorway to greater awareness and expands the mind, and in that expanded state the possibilities are endless! It is a contemplative process. I said to Sprint, please take this pain away, I am ready to forgive and move forward. I showed my trust in Creation in my daily actions, and I stood firm in my intention to heal myself. I knew and believed that the Universe would respond to this change and bless me.
One day I was half awake in morning and Spirit showed me, as if I was sitting in a parts market looking for my son, in the corner of my eye something moved, and I looked that way. I saw a basket of parts reattach themselves to form my son and he instantly came to life. I was speechless. I found him running playfully, and in a hurry, he did not wait for the body to cover him completely, as if it was just like a coat, and as if he has been running even before it covered him. He looked just like my present son, and ran towards me, it felt as if nothing ever happened to him! I saw the Hindu god Hanuman’s beautiful image blessing hands in background, he is a symbol for courage and his name was also my present son’s name. I thought to myself, is this all there is! Now that my son is alive, why am I holding on to this pain? All that pain became immaterial! The trafficker, the incident was all to prove that it is all an Illusion, an act of a profound experience of life! I have an experience now in my life that the Soul is indeed Birthless, Deathless, Omniscient, Omnipresent and Ever shining! It also felt like a wakeup call! It is as if the Creator is asking me to look and see things the way they truly are, and that it knows everything, for it is all there is that exists! It is an endless ocean where each form of existence raises up high as a wave and merges into it again.
In front of the endless miracles of creation, I felt small and I felt guilty that I did not trust it in first place. I felt maybe I need to endure punishment for not trusting it! But there I was again, back in illusion that I was separate from Creation! I had to work on forgiving myself as well. I understood that being humble is not easy with the comparing mind there. But I am just a leaf on the tree of Creation, and when being humble, I can fully enjoy that connection, and it heals me in that moment. I loved the fact that the Divine has chosen to teach me with such a profound lesson and assist me to remove a past thorn from my heart and cast it away forever. It made me feel loved and blessed. Is this what we call Self-love? I do not know, I have much more to learn. I feel more alive, and happy now. I smile instantly when I have the thought that the Divine has woven itself into every aspect of life within and around us! I have an experience now to say that, when I fear, it could be out of small mindedness or illusion. I am glad to be able to move forward, I am very much thankful to all my teachers in my life and in Spirit for guiding me each step along the way!
May I see the Infinite, as it interacts within and with the world around me! 😊
Much love,
Sreepallavi