Letting go of Unworthiness
By Sree Pallavi Thota
I found myself the last few days in self-hatred and I didn’t know the reason. It felt like I would just rather swallow a pill and die. I felt like I was using oxygen and other resources that other people could be using and I was wasting them. It felt like I have nothing that is worthwhile, so why live in this body. Yet, there is a piece of me that is listening to all this with love. I was sitting in the sun, and I felt like I have life within me that, the sun, moon, earth and all its elements are taking care of it, and I need to pay them back. I sang silently, ‘This little light of mine, I am going to let it shine’ as if there was a child inside me. I couldn’t and don’t want to injure that child in me in anyway. It felt confusing, should I or shouldn’t I keep that inner child alive, for I didn’t know what to do with it or couldn’t relate to it!
My husband helped me with pictures we had taken with our children, so it felt that this body has been useful to others. I have been blessed with the resources needed, and children to love. I did not know why, what is it in me that is worth all this!! Spirit reminded me of a song where it asks to take love as a challenge and move away from self-hatred that had conquered me. I saw videos from Master DK, about three categories of afflicted thoughts: indulgence, aversion, and delusion. These could be directed outward or inward. To me I saw the aversion inwardly directed. Why? I begged for an answer.
As I meditated simply for the thoughts to pass through me and not to give energy to them, I felt lighter. In fact, the thoughts felt like an illusion. Well, I got a place to start. I need to keep at it! Next day, I woke up early automatically. What an opportunity to meditate! I drank water and started to meditate. I kept coming out of meditation due my reaction to some thoughts about work and mostly on my judgment of my own work for what others would think of me. Why do I have such a pattern of self-judgment and why am I not content with who I am, and why do I manipulate the outcome based on my own projection of others likes and dislikes! This called for even more intense longing for release.
I did the meditation from Master DK that Kathlyn had given me in a reading. It had really helped me before. So, as I visualized an Aquarian Sun blowing away unworthiness, many scenes and sensations of past lives came by, as described below.
In one life, I was a Witch and minding my own business, and had a family and children, I was set on a fire. I was burning alive among the logs and sticks. I could smell it. The flesh was melting on my body and dropping off to the ground and I could see my bones. Then they were pouring water on it, so here I was mostly burnt, and I could not survive in that body and passed away. The pain was deeper than just the body, I couldn’t comprehend why they did this to me, and what had happened to human common sense! It left me with lots of distrust in people and humankind in general! In meditation I forgave the people for their cruelty in taking my life with the realization that they are driven by delusion and didn’t know any better!
Another lifetime, where I was a royalty. But my own parents threw me out of the family as I was different from their thought processes. I was more open to goodness towards the poor and just mingled with rich and poor as the same. It was not good for family prestige. I was labeled as a thief because I had taken something from my father, an authoritative figure, without his notice, to give to someone poor. But I was told to do so by my father’s friend. I was a setup. I was eventually driven to hang myself and then they set me on fire. I was used as an example of what would happen to an outlaw.
Then another lifetime was in human sex trafficking. I had a life in a homeless facility because I was abandoned by family. I was groomed by someone who I thought cared for me, but then was sold as an object that others could use and abuse. I did not know I had to fight back to get out of there, I was convinced that this is what I had to do to live, because I felt I didn’t have anything in me that was special like others! I was just used and abused. I conceived children, and I loved them with all my heart, but they were sold away by the same people that controlled me, and I felt powerless. It felt good to be able to love my children, but I had to force myself to forget that I can love something so dearly. My love for them was detrimental to me and caused my groomers to be even more cruel to me for loving them. I was living and a piece of myself started to groom me to start living with less pain. I started to sell myself to be able to keep up with life! Unbearable, but it helped me cope for that day, and each day then on. I forgot the unbearableness, and this art of manipulating myself for others likes and dislikes became an effortless act, and I was able to make a living finally. It’s a flesh trade industry, it left canyons on psyche beyond my own comprehension, as I look back.
In many lifetimes I was sold into the human trafficking industry by my own family members that I thought were near and dear to me, and I put complete trust in them since I was a child. This abandonment of my own parents caused trauma and bewilderment beyond my any understanding. I was sold like a bag of rice or fruit! It was followed by abuse and slavery, pain filled deaths, and pain in regard to conceiving children and losing them. So called husbands were ruthless in treating my body and tore it by selling me for money to others. I have done housework and undergone neglect, by those whom I loved with a child-like innocence. It went for lifetimes. I met good people now and then, but they moved on, they didn’t change my life. Alas, I felt betrayed for showing love to all of them! I grew the ability to be sensitive to others’ emotions. I could read their mind for my own survival! I wanted to keep my body parts to a degree still functioning, and I did what others wanted without being told with that sensitivity, and I survived. I forgive them all now, for they could not see goodness in me, because they could not see goodness in themselves. I send them my prayers.
Then there is a lifetime, where my body was used as spare parts for the rich! I was experimented on after removing certain internal parts of my body. This removal happened while I was still conscious so I could see, but I was given some fluid that made me numb and immovable for some time. Apparently, that was what I was worth, it felt like in that life. I was there to serve the famous and wealthy with my body parts, there were children involved too, and it was like cattle waiting for slaughter. Incomprehensible pain hidden by force by me, to make sense of this circumstance, it soon became a norm. Never say anything is wrong, accept it for that is why I was given life by the creator. Not to accept is going against God’s creation and its laws, and I would incur punishment. It changed my perspective on what’s right and what’s wrong and was not able to discern and stop something wrong happening to me!! Even in my current lifetime in childhood I barely stood up for myself as I felt unsupported by my surroundings. Later in this life, situations escalated over time where I learnt to respect myself, the hard way! Thank God for that learning, I am still working at it!
In many other lifetimes, I lost pregnancies caused by church men and they put an end to the life of the offspring. Much pain and struggle for solace, as it was also connected to God. It felt like a hole where the womb was, and I prayed for healing for myself, but distrust grew in religious processions as it was just outward glamour and not truly seeking the Divine. But life depended on how I can live with pain and those around me. Pain and distrust were a part of life, they became my dear friends, without them I couldn’t imagine life memories. It’s like caffeine addiction, I couldn’t totally remove them as they signify my value. It is how I evaluated myself of any value! When I remove them, I have to reevaluate, and it feels like stranding in unknown territory! I didn’t dare to venture out of fear of facing social discrimination and eventual punishments for me and my family.
Another lifetime with many events also happened during the fight for independence of our nation and peace was robbed with violence, and family protection tore apart with cheating from one of our own, children were killed in front of my own eyes and then I was taken for abuse.
In another lifetime, black magic was used on me as I was rich, and others wanted the wealth. Other lifetimes, when I was poor, and me and my children went through heinous black magic rituals for others benefit. It was painful as if there is no sign of light! Darkness was suffocating and incomprehensibly cruel. I had to eventually die as a sacrifice for those rituals. God help us!
Many lifetimes of pain made me feel like life is not meant to be without pain! Feeling unworthy has been a coping mechanism for many incarnations. It was the only way I could make sense of repeated painful circumstances and evil deeds! I sold myself as puppet and I destroyed my own feelings of worthiness, as I thought that was what I was meant to sacrifice, for having the gift of life. I felt being a puppet is my worth, as others said so and I believed in it fully. I hated part of myself that called itself special! For I thought it was delusional. I wanted myself out of such preposterous thought of self-worth, for I would lead myself to another incarceration, not just for me but also for my children!! Alas, I sold myself thinking I would gain respect from others, which it did, but it left me with suicidal depression, I was not sure why!! I did everything right, didn’t I?
There I as stood in front of Aquarian Sun, I forgave myself and others, and I felt warm inside. I felt like a mirror with a reflection of The Divine in my chest. I asked to wipe away all the old imprint within me except that I love myself unconditionally. That is all I wanted to be, a temple of unconditional love for me and all creation. My worth has been restored to its throne, and the warmth surrounded it and it felt great in my own skin. My body once burnt alive looked like a purple butterfly with glitter on its edges and felt transformed for service of humanity. I bowed to the Sun for its unconditional loving gift of self-transformation! I now treasure this memory for the future, I could look back at it as a milestone of healing presented to me by the Universe. 💖🙏🤗
After meditation, as I relaxed in sunshine outdoors, more past lives have been shown. In one of them I was mummified as a sacrifice and my internal organs were taken out. I was tied tightly with cloth and some glue and stored, and the same has been done to my elder one. In another life while I was a maid, I was abused by my owner and my child was taken as their own. In another life, femicide was taken place where young and older females were lined up to sacrifice our own lives in the name of God, as it was believed in those times that it was for greater good and to purify ourselves!
I observed my thoughts quickly taking older patterns and as members of my family used to be with my previous self and expecting it. It takes much more than knowledge to change behavior. May I have the courage and endurance to make changes for my highest good, gracefully.
With warm loving wishes. Have a wonderful month.