I have been sick for the past 10 days, clearing away some of the deep unexpressed energy from my throat, sinus, and chest area. Although I did not have a fever, the clearing during this time really affected me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I had to truly slow down everything that my Self urged me to do, and some days I had to stay in bed to rest. As I was getting better physically after 10 days of suffering, my Self unexpectedly hit me again on the emotional and mental level.

One morning I woke up with a strong emotional reaction, I was fed up with my life and my mind was in a state of madness – no work, no money, no independence and no freedom. I felt so stuck and hopeless. I was so angry with everyone and everything as if my miserable suffering was caused by everybody else, but not by myself! I just wanted to give up everything, leave everyone behind and move to a place to be alone where I would have all the freedom I wanted, no obligation to anyone and no responsibility for anything. As I was feeling the emotional turmoil, my mind was working diligently to show me all the negativities around me to emphasize how my freedom as a free spirit was severely restricted by the people I was with and the environment I was in. As my mind descended in this direction, my bottled up emotions boiled higher and higher, and became hotter and hotter. I then started to cough violently as if there was a tiny hair stuck in my throat, demanding my full attention. As a result, I had to get up at 4 am, move away from the bed and sit in the living room where nobody was around so I could cough and let out my anger and frustration.

My Self really got me into the poor me syndrome and was blaming others and life for my own misery. I was fully immersed in this intensive emotional drama although there was no audience to watch; only my lonely self. As a result, I was so emotionally charged and physically consumed. I was experiencing not only the physical exhaustion, but also the emotional despair and hopelessness was so real to me. For some reason, in that moment, something deep inside me prompted me to ask myself the questions, “Why was I having such a strong emotional reaction? Where did all this anger, frustration and fear come from? Why did I want independence and freedom so badly when I actually already have it all? What is this about?” I did not understand why I had just experienced what I had just gone through. As I asked these questions, I had a knowing that all these might have to do with my subconscious and I thought about Maitreya’s teaching that at least 85% of our current life is being driven by past life energy. Our thoughts, feelings and emotions are heavily colored and controlled by our subconscious mind where our soul memories of the past, present and future are stored. I then started to ask Spirit for guidance. I felt strongly that I needed to read my own astrological transits at this moment as well as do a meditation upon it.

I was amazed that all my emotional reactions were connected to my astrological transits. Makes sense, astrology is the energy that powers who we are and what we experience in our incarnation and the current transits of the planets through the signs and houses are the catalyst or the triggers for the energy to fuel our current learning or testing experiences.

First, at this moment, I have transit Sun and Venus in the house of money, material possessions and value. No wonder that I was so driven to earn money as if I did not have any value and worth if I was unable to make my own money. It states, “You will definitely want to earn money because of your strong need to attain financial independence, and you are most likely to succeed in those efforts. You are very ambitious, but you need to avoid the trap of believing that you can gain prestige through wealth alone. During this transit you need to examine your feelings toward your financial resources. Do they serve your needs, or are you constantly trying to serve theirs? Are you still trying to “keep up with the Jones’s”? You may want to show off your material success to others. Beware of a tendency to squander money just for ego gratification and show.” So there is a lesson that I need to learn about the true value of money.

Second, I am a double Sagittarius with my natal Sun located in the 1st house, the house of Self. Sagittarius wants freedom and expansion, without taking responsibility and wants a down to earth to daily life, so I can easily fall into the trap of Ego/Self-image that strongly pre-occupied the mind with feelings of self-importance, self-independence, self-freedom and self-absorbed will. When one has strong first house Sun or planets, their thoughts, attitudes and habits can often be colored by a tendency to dwell on the self and to see others and the environment as secondary in importance without realizing what the Self has been doing to them, which is the case I am going through at this moment. However, transit Saturn in Capricorn is currently sitting in the first house of the Self in my natal chart, and through its restriction, limitation and slowing everything down process, it has really brought all the hidden Self-aspects to my consciousness so that I can deal with them, and finally let go. The process of self-realization is through realizing the real lesson of having Sun in the natal first house and experiencing the learning process of “I AM” of the Higher Self through patience, discipline, humility and perseverance.

Many astrology books emphasize the Self-importance of “I AM” when the Sun is in the natal first house, so many souls may think that because it is the “I AM” house, it means “me” first, thus striving to attain self-will power, and strong self-image and self-success to gain self-confidence and self-esteem. Nothing wrong in being powerful, important and successful, however, the real lesson when the Sun is in the first house is that the soul needs to learn about the ego/Self by passing through many testing periods through persevering effort, and to overcome the self-orientation of the mind. You need to be able to differentiate what is from the Self and what is the Higher Self, and to integrate and achieve the balance of multifarious facets of the personality, eventually to attain true spiritual growth. Thus, the first house Sun is to learn to shine its bright light and to express the great power of the soul with self-confidence, but without ego and self-glorification. The “I AM” represents the HIGHER SELF of the soul, not the LOWER SELF of the physical existence.

Thirdly, I have both transit Jupiter and Mars in Scorpio in the 12th house at this moment, Jupiter will stay there for 13 months in its’ transit to my natal 12th house, Mars will only stay there for a month or so. These two planets transit in Scorpio in the 12th house indicate that my subconscious is extremely active at this moment. All the undealt Scorpio issues, traits and energies of past incarnations are activated and brought to the surface through Jupiter’s expansion and Mars’s focus. Jupiter and Mars are amplifying Scorpio’s role – cutting the cords of the past, delving into the deep subconscious to confront the darkest part of the hidden psyche that I fear the most. I need to develop awareness of what my subconscious is doing, learn to communicate with it, and open these secret influences to the light of my conscious understanding so that I can heal and grow. Since both Jupiter and Mars in Scorpio can make every day, every encounter, and everything an opportunity for transformation, I therefore need to be fully aware that I am currently in a time of constant transformation of the deep subconscious at this moment.

Fourthly, the transit Neptune in Pisces is in strong square to my natal Ascendant since last August, and it will last until February 9th, 2018. Squares present obstacles to be overcome, as such, this transit can produce some confusion, illusion, deception and difficulties in my self-perception, self-expression, thinking, thought process and social relationships. My lesson here is acceptance and trust in the process, and not to dwell in the illusion and confusion of Neptune and this challenging aspect, but make conscious effort to stay calm, focused, and make no hasty decisions.

Lastly, in these few days, the challenge and conflict of transit Mars in Scorpio in square with my natal Pluto in Leo finally brought the inner Neptune confusion, struggle and conflict of my Self to the surface and exposed my Self’s fear of losing control. It will lead to anger and frustration. As in all transits with Pluto and with Pluto aspects, anything attempted must be for the greater good, otherwise, it will not work, nor do me any good. The lesson I need to learn from this transit and aspect is to look deep within me, find the root cause of these inner struggles and conflict, and transform them for the good of all, rather than taking blind action and throwing the frustration and anger to others, and causing conflicts with others.

Wow, there is so much for me to take and process! This learning process is a truly eye opening and an enlightening experience, it led me to see my Self and its’ disguise closely and clearly. As inspired by what I have just learned from the current planetary transits to my natal chart, I immediately did a meditation to connect with Spirit. Margaret showed up first in my meditation. She held my hand and looked into my eyes to assure me that I was going to be fine and I was doing what I am supposed to do. Next I met Maitreya and he said to me that I had a very crafty Self, and he said it with love. Then I saw a lot of spirits there with me as if there was a big welcome party. They showed me their love and support. I could not help but cry with joy. Then Margaret took me to ice-skating. She held my hand, and we both started to skate freely on the ice, I felt so free and joyful as if I have never had any restriction and limitation. At that moment, she told me that true freedom is not from the Self, it is of the Higher Self, and this is what I am destined to achieve being a double Sagittarius with the Sun in the first house. Whenever there is the Self, there is no real freedom of the soul.

At that moment, I could see clearly that I still had so many lessons to learn from those who are close to me and so much past life energy to be cleared and karma to be balanced, and that my Self has been trying to use the excuse that I needed freedom and space to take me away from the path my Higher Self has been trying to lead me. Then I heard Maitreya’s voice, “Have patience, do not run away from your path, you have a mission ahead of you.”

Yes, I, as many of you, have a destiny to achieve, however, I must learn to tame my Self first, and learn not only to recognize the Self, but also not allow my Self to sabotage me and control me. Then, only then, can I achieve my true destiny – have total freedom of my Higher Self while still living on the Earth Plane. This is the true meaning of Self Mastery, it is not through following the ego/Self, but the Higher Self!