I meditated to heal deeper. I was greeted by Fear. Thanks to Master DK’s book channeled through Kathlyn Kingdon ‘The Matter of Mind,’ it inspired me to be there and be curious. So, what’s behind fear is essentially what gave birth to that fear. It can be any experience that I felt unsettled. There was a lot. It felt like I was pushed into a small hole and threatened to not come out. I payed attention to the feeling to see what else is out there to learn. I waited for fear to show itself and reveal the cause that gave rise to it, and I was greeted by the fear’s mother. The mothers of any fears have a pain as a past experience that is carefully stowed away. I saw the pain that sat there in those containers at those mothers. Why would you stow it, I asked? To never experience it again, the mothers said. So, they put a barrier to experience pain. What happens if you let it out? Even when pain is in a container, it is still there. I feel miserable in pain and get upset; I feel how did such a pain happen to me? It felt like the creator did it to me!! So, I separate my Identity from being Creator’s Spark, and believe the pain is real. Pain becomes not only an experience, but it is also who I am as time passes. This is definitely falling lower and lower than where I started. Is this what I am? Is this what I want? Why did I allow it to myself? Why would I do it to myself? Assumed I am pain itself? Am I so weak? Now, how can I ask the Creator to help me? How can I ask anyone for help? How can I look at myself again! I hate myself. Why do I hate myself?! It’s a deep feeling of abandonment by Creator. So is Fear, now my friend? Fear doesn’t nurture, it is a cold and belittles every hope and joy I try hard to even imagine, it is death of hope, faith and there is no warmth of love whatsoever! It closes doors to love, the very essence of taking birth to be alive. And another deeper lower level I go. Having pain in container and stowing it away makes it harder to even imagine healing from it. This downward spiral simply never ends! Each level is deception appeared as my faithful lawyer to back me up, but it’s not. It’s a feeling of the small hole closing on me and to forever seal it! I am still alive and cry to sustain life with me, I see it precious. Then, I hear the call, I am here all along, I see you, says the Creator. Come to me my child. Oh my, what am I going to do! I don’t know if I am worthy at all! I may feel worthy when I fight fear, do I have what it takes to fight it? The Creator is being nice, but what if this guilt of not worthy gets worse, I cannot face, because I didn’t have full confidence in my Creator’s Spark in first place and I let it run over by Fears!!
Coming a bit out of fear to get to see all this, itself needs a still mind. There, right then, I got something done! Well maybe I can take a step further and tell the Creator what I did with my still mind, and ask for a bit of help to pull me higher? How to talk in the language that the Creator speaks? It is yet another card that lower energy pulls from its deck of deceptions to keep me at bay from merging with the Spark of Creator. Fear likes that I never listen to that call. Ok, so what is it in me that makes me feel I need to be the Spark? And what is it that says that there is no chance I am Creator’s Spark, that it’s just a story and makes me look back to past as if it is all there is? So, what is the reason for my Identity to be changed and why is it done? I felt like, I have been gaslighted by my own fear. This moment I let the Creator’s calling voice in love resound in me and repeated it until I was ready to take off, shoot up from the small hole. I reflected on the path of deceptions that I traveled. The deeper I went in that path of deception, it felt like the fear has a closet of new Identities that it could push on me to wear. If I go with fear’s push, I wear the dress. It is a dress that also gives the emotional content and molds me to eventually make it into a real experience. I live and experience fear and captive in it. It says, it will keep me away from pain. Well, what pain? Pain that happened in past. All present is ridden by running from my past pain. What about the next moment and future? Do you think fear has control on what your future entails? Why do certain things happen anyway in life? Fear holds on to past, but it cannot control what can happen in future! But I do! I have a part of choice that can influence my future. Creation kindly put it as choice so I can use to create my future. So, the Creation and me together create it. The past needs to be healed from pain. To step into beautiful reality that I like to create I look into past pain and let go the closet of Identities I kept so dearly when gifted to me by my formidable foe and let them go once and for all! Wave goodbye and thank the wisdom that helped with this transition. Thank pain to help see others pain in compassion! It is not an easy road when Identities are forced upon us by downward forces such as Fear and Guilt! The challenge and its prize were when we overcome it, is an unfolding fragment flower of self-empowerment. Other words, this travel leads to discovering self-empowerment. So, in equanimity I see now, how fear played its role.
When you are empowered what part of you feels it, deep inside? What does it say about other parts of you that are still tied to past painful experiences? That is the diamond in the rough, your divine voice calling to cut through past ties and to help heal pain, giving you courage to face painful experiences with faith in the divine. Behind all the ugly expressions there is untouched tranquility to discover. It is yours only, the True Identity.