I honestly think that the best decision I have ever made for myself was to go to Australia to take the Master of Metaphysics courses with Maitreya through Margaret 10 years ago. It has not only completely transformed my life, but also opened a new world of life to me. It not only enabled me to find my life purpose and the answers to why I am here on the Earth plane, but also it allowed me to explore who I truly am. It never ceases to amaze me that the journey of self-discovery never stops. As I go deeper within, I can always find something new that I don’t know about myself. One of the hardest lessons I have realized recently, is to learn to truly love myself.
Seven years ago, when I first came to Seattle to live with Margaret and Alan, Maitreya told me that I am here to learn to be gentle and softer in this incarnation. His words have stayed with me all the time, but I did not know what I should do to be gentle and softer until now.
Two weeks ago, I explored a past life where I hanged myself due to an unrequited love in a love affair. I met this soul again in this incarnation. He was the director of our division where I was a graduate student for 3 years, and then I worked there. I worked with this man for a few years and respected him as a director. I never had any idea that he would come to love me and I would have a love affair with him. One day he pointed out to me how beautiful and incredible I was, I could not help falling in love with him. I felt as if he knew my soul and he could love me more than anyone else. I loved this man with all my heart.
In the beginning, everything was rose-colored beautiful, but when his wife started to question him, he started to fear that she might find out about our affair. He then started to act differently. In order to not have his wife suspect and to avoid destroying his reputation, he began to treat me like a stranger in public. He would tell me that he loved me very much in private. He asked me to understand him, and to bear this burden with him. Because I wanted his love so badly, I did what he wanted me to do. It was a very confusing and painful love affair for me. I was not able to talk to him casually. He pushed me down to the bottom status in my work, I could not get promoted or any recognition, because he did not want his wife to have any suspicion about our affair. I could not tell anyone. I had to keep this secret within myself. This burden devastated me.
Life for me became very painful and my existence became of one of suffering. One time I stood on the roof of the 5th floor of our office building, and wanted to jump down to end my life. I did what he wanted me to do, and became his pawn for seven years. He promised me recognition and promotion, but his fear of his wife made his promises empty. Finally, I was no longer able to take it any more, and I spoke my truth to him. I found the courage to tell him that what he was doing to me was unfair. I did not ask him for any special treatment, I was only asking him to treat and judge me as a normal worker. After I stood up to him, he started to let me do the things I was suppose to do in my work. It opened a big opportunity for my career advancement and success. Sadly, the man died from a heart attack at the age of 50 in his Chiron Return, half a year after I stood up to him.
This love affair broke my heart. As the man died, I felt as if my love died. In the meantime, I no longer had any trust in having a true relationship with men. I was afraid of repeating the same experience, so I built a wall of protection around my heart. I was determined to not allow myself to be vulnerable, or to be taken advantage of again. However, the price I paid was to deny myself the experience of true love and affection. I hardened myself without realizing what I was doing.
When the swollen red marks appeared around my neck, Maitreya told me where it came from. This was my fifth incarnation with this man. In my previous incarnation with this man, we also had a love affair. I wanted him to marry me, but he chose not to, and I ended up hanging myself. The past life revelation enabled me to revisit the love affair with this man in my current life. It made perfect sense for the experience I went through. Fortunately, I did not kill myself by jumping off the building, and after five incarnations I finally stood up to him. However, another lesson I chose to learn from him has not been completed.
This man came to teach me another very important lesson: I must learn to love myself unconditionally. I can’t depend on anyone to love me truly from outside, unless I can learn to love myself truly from within. I sacrificed all that the man asked me to sacrifice, in the hope that he would choose me and truly love me. This could not happen until I stood up to him and learned to value and respect myself. The love and affection I can have from others are only the reflection of what love and affection I have for myself. If I want to have a true loving relationship, I, from now on, must learn to truly love myself by accepting, respecting, valuing and honoring myself. The true gentleness and softness have to come from an open heart. When I can truly do so, I can truly become a gentle and softer soul.
I now finally am able to let go of this man, and heal my broken heart. I thanked him for being in my life to teach me such a valuable lesson. I am now able to move into the further learning of this lesson.
I deeply appreciate all the help and guidance I received from the team Maitreya. Because of his teaching, I am changing to become a better soul.