Fear of Inadequacy, Failure, and Authority
In Human Design philosophy, the Spleen center has a specific importance one must understand and heal. It’s known as the oldest awareness center, connected with our survival and primal instinct. Spleen can be defined or undefined, but if you have any of the gates active in your body graph you will have some kind of fears.
All splenic fears are “in the moment” fears, but they are so vivid and alive. My favorite quotation “Per Aspera ad Astra” – through difficulties to stars and/or through failures and trials to mastering skill, could nicely describe my active splenic gates (18, 32, 48).
Gate 18 – Correction is connected to fear of authority, gate 32 – Endurance to fear of failure and gate 48- Depth to fear of inadequacy.
October was pretty harsh to me, as the Sun activated my 32 and 48 gates, intoxicating me with anxiety and subconsciously, deep rooted fears that I had to attend to. Yes, fear of failure and fear of inadequacy were so intense that I procrastinated about everything. Especially finishing the final (suggested) editing for my book that I plan to publish. Suddenly it’s not good enough, it’s full of errors, not deep or informative enough, not interesting enough etc. Fear of being called out as incompetent in the field of writers, authors, and astrology “moguls”. I started filling in the introduction and prologue with explanations and justifications trying to protect myself in advance. Then I had a-ha moment. I stopped. Deleted all the new changes. Decided to even delete my previously written justification of my intent to write about something so delicate. Ughhh. So, I called myself out with my fears, grateful that I recognized them and immediately tried to address them. My gate 18 Correction and gate 58 Joy (located in root center) makes channel of Judgment. So, I’m aware that nothing is perfect for me. Or it will ever be. But joy of the process or the journey itself should be imperative and not the joy of perfection.
My booklet isn’t flawless. It’s not perfect. It’s not without errors. It’s just mine. My Plutonian suppressed energy got an outlet to be expressed under this big Scorpio influence. I remember that my progressed moon was on 0° of Scorpio. Autumn 2019- Sun, Venus and Mercury were in Scorpio. Of course, I wrote about betrayal. And sex. Lot of sex. Stories were raw, unpolished, maybe to dark. I went through deep healing sensations while words appeared on white paper. One by one. But 12 stories were written in 12 days. And my first novel was complete.
Once again, I’m reminding you that the Scorpio influence was strong. I remember that the October New Moon was in Scorpio. Yes, my stories were loud and screaming with passion that I must show them. Share them with other women. We all need healing. This is not just about my healing process. And yes, I felt joy of process.
Now I decided to wait for this year during Scorpio season with Mercury and the Sun in Scorpio once again to show me courage to publish. My progressed Moon and Ascendant are still in Scorpio. But progressed Moon slyly crossed over my Ascendant and now shines in my 1st house. Let’s see how I will manifest this energy and fight those fears connected with my 48 gate (Fear of being inadequate, Fear of not knowing enough, or not being ready, Fear of not having enough training, certificates, degrees, or experience.) , 32 gate ( Fear of failure, Fear of exposing, proceeding or waiting to do something) and 18 (Fear of authority, Fear of judgment, waiting for right timing), in silence ( hidden in 12th house) or openly ( exposed in 1st house). Timing is crucial as gate 18 is projected and requires for corrections to be recognized or invited so they could be accepted as good intentions.
Once again, I’m comforting myself with Maitreya’s teachings about Ego and Detachment and hope to see over, under, and through all illusions and fears.
Where are your fears?